Thank you for your reply. Its honestly been something I have been trying to figure out in my head.I think that I am realizing I can't just throw it away. I have done the same thing where I buy packs, and then after a couple days I get so psyched out that I throw all of them away (only having taken out one or two diapers). Then I would stay away for a while before getting the courage up to do it again, and then just cycling. I have always had a thing in my head of "I like this and it gives me pleasure... it must be a sin to enjoy it" because that is kind of how most churches treat teenagers, especially any sort of form of sexual expression/desires/ pleasure. And the chances of me ever bringing it up to family or pastors is absolutely zero. So I have always kept it to myself trying to figure out what in the world is going on in my head. Only recently have I begun to re-examine it.
The point at which I'm at is this: This may be a part of me. I do not know where it came from. I never chose it. But somehow, through the way my life developed and progressed, this trait developed in me. I have tried my very best to control it and disown it. I have been at the point where I actively fight against it. But all that does is cause pain, tiredness, and shame. Fighting it has not worked. So maybe fighting it isn't the answer. (Theology warning) If God has been in control all my life, which I know He has, and I believe He made me the person I am, then why be ashamed. I didnt choose it. One parallel I have found is this. Going by one of the stories in the bible, the very beginning, Adam and Eve. Did God make them to feel shame? No. They were completely naked and perfectly fine. But once they came under the influence of the snake, that is when they felt shame for who they were. So God comes back, He looks for them, and they are hiding.They say they are ashamed because the naked. God replys "Who told you that you were naked?"
In a sense, He was asking "Where did this shame come from? I made you to be you."
Coming back to me, where did the shame come from? I think, the world, not God. So I do not think it is a sin.
I think my struggle is overcoming that shame, because it is a strong sense of shame. So Accepting it as a part of me seems to be the next step.